The feminine rage and unruly passion that drives me to pick up my pen and constantly strive to expose the injustice of various systems of oppression finally finds its rest in this feminine haven that the women of my life have created.
As long as women have been around, this battle and negotiation against the upper-caste, patriarchal, and heteronormative world order have been around. As women of different backgrounds and intersections, “the lack,” is what the patriarchal world order has always reminded us that we shall have: the lack of a phallus, the lack of power, the lack of language, the lack of a voice, and an identity.
My case was not too different either, growing up and feeling this “lack,” which I constantly tried to fill with my associations with the men in my life, which is precisely what the patriarchal world order had wanted of me. And yet, despite my many attempts at trying to find my way in the world of men, this “lack” never seemed to fill itself. I was lost.
Then it hit me: I was always headed in the wrong direction. While speaking with the women of my life, I was reminded again of why they became my respite amidst navigating my identity in this world of men. I write this piece as a tribute to some of the many women in my life who have taught me and made me realise the true beauty of the female experience.
This unparalleled beauty—the rawness of it, the vulnerability, the unspoken understanding—would be unfathomable to any man from the outside world peeking inside this haven of mine, and yours too. It is my older sister—her gentleness, her unconditional love and presence in my life, her unapologetic ambition, and her rage at the unfairness of this world that first laid the foundation stone of this feminine haven. And subsequently came along these other beautiful women in my life, who kept on adding to the foundation stone and building the haven that houses my being.
I spoke with my childhood best friend Nishtha, one of the very first women to put her brick in the architecture of my haven: ‘From eagerly waiting until 5 PM to play together to now counting down the days until our semester holidays for our biannual meet-ups, everything has changed except our unwavering bond. This friendship has remained a constant source of happiness, helping us forget the chaos of our adult lives. It has taught me the true meaning of unconditional trust and love, even when we’re too busy to have a proper conversation for months. Yet, we always know that nothing between us will ever change.’
There were Prerna and Anjali, who had added their bricks to my haven’s architecture back in my school days and never took them out, even when we transitioned to adult life. Prerna remarks, ‘What we have is not just a bond arising out of love and companionship; of course, those things are there, but there is also a deep, mutual empathy for what each of us goes through because of a system that doesn’t favour us. We’ve been there for each other, through joy and agony. Vulnerability becomes easy with female friendships because it is easy to open up to someone who sees you as a human being when the whole world might see otherwise. We belong to each other in ways we do not belong to anybody else. It is a deeply empathetic, understanding, and loving relationship. I might do absolutely fine without a romantic relationship, but I think I would absolutely break if I were to be deprived of my female friendships. They’ve built me and nourished me, and there is no place for ownership, just selfless belongingness.’
When my haven became fragile, when its foundations were being shaken during the tumultuous transition from school to college life, my college best friend Radhika came along to add her brick and keep the structure strong. ‘Before I met you, it felt like I was tending to an empty, desolate house filled only with rage, emptiness, and fear. But knowing you have added a new dimension to that house, slowly diminishing the shadows with each passing day, bit by bit. The profound happiness and quiet I have found in your presence in such a short period of time makes me wonder how great the force of our friendship is.’
There also came these two women younger than me by 2 and 3 years, Anandita and Samaridhi, whom I let into my haven to give them the space that I had always craved. They may be younger than me, but they too became the architects of my haven.
Anandita remarked, ‘Throughout the years, though we’ve changed as people, grown, and experienced life through different lenses, one thing has remained steadfast: my love for you. I’ve always looked up to you as a younger girl, always seeing you as this beacon of positive feminine energy. Through highs and lows, one thing remains the same, and that is my respect for the woman that you’re becoming. The saying ‘a woman’s greatest enemy is another woman’ is something I’d been told so much as a child, and it is through my relationships with women like you that I know today that it is utter nonsense. While we’re made to believe that girls only befriend one another for ulterior motives, the friendship that we have has taught me that true female friendships are one of the greatest gifts of life. I feel safe to simply be a girl in your company. In a world where people feel the need to bring others down to feel better about themselves, I will continue to uplift you in every way possible to remind you of your worth and value.’
Samaridhi too had a similar heartfelt confession, ‘Our bond is a major factor in how I’m shaped as a person today. I met you when I was just 15, and you’ve been my personal inspiration since then, an older sister to look up to, my safe space. Despite not being able to meet often, we’re always there for each other in any way we can. I think these beautiful connections with my female friends like yours are what keep me going. This is true girlhood. A sense of belonging, a source of motivation, and unwavering support.’
Through the story of how my feminine haven came into existence, I want the readers to realise and reflect on the truly enriching and fulfilling role that the women in their lives have been playing all along, especially as a subversive space amidst the harshness of this world of men. This is my ode to all the women in my life and yours too, reader. You, who may be expressing unspoken female solidarity towards me at this instance.
