So I watched Tiger Zinda Hai. Yes, feel free to judge me. But as a movie reviewer, you can only resist for so long. So I went to watch the muscle-fest hoping the popcorn would be worth it. Here are 50 thoughts I had during the unending runtime of 161 minutes. Spoilers (if you can call them that) ahead:
1: The first 5 minutes are dedicated to a Dr. Trehan brand placement?
2: While US spokesperson in times of terrorist crisis is shown as a woman, in India “men” sit around debating policy, ofcourse.
3: Salman fights wolves but promises not to kill them because they will die of natural causes, just like black buck.
4: Salman’s introduction includes 5 minutes of log chopping and 10 minutes of wolf wrestling pyrotechnics and Katrina is introduced buying veggies.
5: She then proceeds to beat up 3 men and someone actually says the dialogue “This is woman empowerment”. Thanks for the definition, and no thanks for the cringe. Puke.
6: Salman needed to fight wolves (100 times stronger than him) for 10 minutes to prove his “macho-ness” but Katrina needs to beat up 3 men in 1 minute coz same logic?
7: Katrina is pissed because she cooks and cooks and Salman forgets their anniversary – gender Roles Zinda hai.
8: Katrina is super badass coz nothing says tough like sexy boxer shorts in freezing mountains.
9: Katrina sucks on a strawberry while the camera zooms in. Can’t people stop giving her fruits? #StrawberrySutra
10: Nothing says “I love you” like a man slinging you Cavemen style over his shoulder.
11: Paint is splashed over pristine snow. You sure that’s lead free? #environment
12: Family life for the Tigers includes relentless banter between father and son while Katrina glides around in a permanent Lux commercial.
13: If a 7-8 yr old child planned this elaborate anniversary, we finally have someone who can trump Kuch Kuch Hota Hai‘s 8 yr old Anjali.
14: Tiger refuses to slice tomatoes at home for his wife but will cook daal for his ex-boss in a jiffy. #BrosBeforeHoes
15: Well at least a Man is debating work life balance citing family as a reason for not working. Somehow this is made to appear very “mahaan” though. Lakhs of women make this choice on a daily basis without any fanfare, my friend!
16: How much nationalism will this movie feed us? Bhagat Singh as bedtime story?
17: I’m going to start counting how many women I actually see “talking”. Will this movie pass the Bechdel test? Probably not.
18: These nurses are so brave. I wish we saw more of them in a movie that’s literally ABOUT them.
19: Terrorism fighting Dream Team is a sausage fest. Why am I surprised?
20: Room no. 69? They couldn’t resist, could they?
21: Well, we know nationalism is strong when this one cute young guy (who’ll probably be the first to die) pulls out a tricolor.
22: More nationalist than Toilet Ek Prem Katha.
23: No one in the audience has cheered or clapped so far. Have I lucked into a sane gathering of Salman Khan fans or just people who were bored during the holidays?
24: Villain’s henchman who was shooting missiles 10 seconds ago now wants to go hand to hand combat mode coz “Macho-ness”.
25: Katrina also joins Salman in the mission. They must have great babysitters. I’m so jealous.
26: Katrina performs a flying car stunt. This is amazing. Wait, steering wheel works against gravity? Whoa! I’m just rejoicing because no one can make bad women driver jokes about Katrina. Or maybe just one – Salman let Katrina drive so he could blame the driver if there was an accident.
27: “Saath mein karte hain” is my favourite dialogue because that’s what she said #TWSS. Am I watching Tiger Zinda Hai or Kya Kool Hain Hum?
28: I have to pee. It’s been 1 hour 25 minutes and no interval in sight.
29: I knew the line for the women’s bathroom will be long but 22 women ahead of me? 4 stalls for women while men saunter in and out of 14 stalls they have. Urgh.
30: Is it me or does the supporting cast men look interchangeable? Is this how men feel watching movies like Grand Masti?
31: Everyone keeps calling the nurses “Hamari ladkiyan”. Where does the paternalism stop?
32: Men discuss how “Pakistani ladkiyan” are hot. May I scream now?
33: Men discuss International Love Jihad and how Sania Mirza spoiled Shoaib Akhtar’s form. I thought the world was trying to move on from cricket related macho sexism, thanks for bursting that bubble.
34: Audience is laughing at Sania Mirza joke because their WhatsApp groups are full of husband-wife jokes anyway.
35: Pakistan and India are now termed ‘Maika-sasural’. Wonder if there’s an equivalent term for husband’s parents’ house? I’m gonna start telling my husband he’s going to ‘maika’ every time he visits his mom.
36: Call those nurses “hamari ladkiyan” one more time, and I’ll throw medical books at you. They’re heavy.
37: Do men really sleep holding their crotch? How is this an appropriate scene for a U/A film?
38: Hair and makeup of the nurses is intact after days of being held hostage.
39: While boys club Dream Team does God knows what, replete with bro-bonding, Katrina goes solo and kicks some ass. Say what you will about her acting, but seeing her maim robbers and terrorists is very satisfying.
40: But ofcourse the beautiful woman is always a villain’s pawn to catch the hero in the end.
41: The men literally bind her mouth to avoid giving her dialogues in the last half hour of the film.
42: Container says “Highly toxic chemical gas” in bold letters because audience is composed of infants.
43: The whole gas thing was contrived just to get his shirt off? I don’t know guys, the objectification/ gratification is just not worth it.
44: Wait why did they bring the slightly old, slightly overweight hacker to a physical combat part of the mission? Surely there was no hacking to be done inside the hospital. Did they only bring him in to try and get some laughs? Those ageist body-shamers! Tell me this is not true!
45: Did Himesh Reshammiya write the dialogues because someone just said “Tiger Zinda Hai” for the 10th time?
46: Okay this film makes no sense. American decision-maker guy in the beginning says if the hostages were American they would extract them and not bomb the place. In the climax we are counting down to the air strike despite 30 American hostages being trapped there. Why did no one think to tell the Americans that their citizens were down there? Surely that would have enlisted their help and stopped the air strike?
47: This movie is a lie. Atleast the Golmaal film kept saying “No logic only magic” so I could switch off my brain.
48: Tiger adopts the child they saved because this whole movie is “Bhai Kitna Achha Insaan hai” PR.
49: Katrina dances to a terrible song while Salman attempts to ‘swag’ his stiff body to even more nationalist lyrics.
50: I have to pee again. So do 40 other women in the line. Never drink soda in a Salman Khan movie.
Featured Image Credit: Indian Express
