Sexperience: Becoming Objects Of Desire, Without Being Objectified

Editor’s Note: This month, that is September 2019, FII’s #MoodOfTheMonth is Positive Sexual Experiences, where we invite various articles narrating healthy, consensual and pleasurable sex or sexual experiences.If you’d like to share your story, email us at pragya@feminisminindia.com. 

I was raised by a father who did not raise an eyebrow at me having a romantic affair with all indications of pre-marital sex, but instead advised me to ensure the use of contraception. I was 19.

I had various relationships including long-term dating and marital, and Sameer (Name Changed) too had been in multiple relationships before we met each other. I met him in my late thirties. We were almost the same age. I was already a parent too. But till then too, most of my sexual experiences had been consensual and full of pleasure, excitement and new lessons.

What was special about the sexperience with Sameer for me as a woman? 

Firstly, for the first time ever, I had autonomy, consent and agency—all 3-in-1 in the sexual acts that we indulged in together. I could define my soft and hard boundaries, refuse anal sex and tell him a strict “No” because of discomfort in the middle of something I had previously agreed to do and he would stop. 

I could define my soft and hard boundaries, tell him that anal is a strict no; tell him “No” because of discomfort in the middle of something I had previously agreed to do and he would stop. 

It was reciprocal too. Like this one time we were together, and he had a major crisis going on the side and there were constant messages and calls pinging his phone, due to which he lost his libido in the midst of it all. I was fine with that. After all it wasn’t mindless humping that we both were looking for but a deep, connected, mutually satisfying and pleasurable sexperience.

The foreplay and after-play continued in sexts and calls. Even in fully-clothed, non-sexual photos the chemistry was so evident. Sameer and I learnt the newness of so many sexual things together, like blindfolds, customising sex positions or love bites. I had my first nipplegasms and clitgasms with Sameer and he learnt to use everything as a sexual prop by the theatrical me!

An important aspect of this positive sexperience was also language. He empowered me enough to use vernacular words with him, which I had always associated with shame before. I am louder than usual and unlike other men he encouraged me being loud, since it aroused him. The multi-lingual, full of acoustics sex was definitely something that we had created together and personalised for just the two of us. We coined our own secret words and terms of endearment.

Also read: Infographic: Some Basics of Sexual Consent

Hence, it wasn’t a surprise that in spite us both having so much experience previously, we had so many mutually agreed upon firsts. He would always ask me if we were to choose a particular brand or type of condoms, I would ask him if for that particular time he wanted me do a bikini wax, although the final call was always mine and that felt so empowering. Period sex had been a taboo with all the men I had been with before but it was not the same case here.

“Good sex” not just enhanced our self-image, our confidence, our hormones but it also settled us down to have a more mature and soulful approach to sex that was full of experimentation

This control on my body and mind, of what it does to a man and what a man does to it made me experience my sexuality like never before. Sameer also always told me that for the first time, he was not being objectified to just an erection in a sexual relationship and it did lead him to enjoy sex with me more.

When we were together, it was always so much fun and empowering emotionally, mentally and sexually. “Good sex” not just enhanced our self-image, our confidence, our hormones but it also settled us down to have a more mature and soulful approach to sex that was full of experimentation, unlike the rush and urgency of teenage and early youth. There was peace and conversations too as part of this sexual life.

Also read: The Sacred Mundane: Revealing Sex From Behind The Veil Of Patriarchy

Last but not the least, we are not in any legal or committed relationship, but share lots of love and good memories, which brings me to the last positive lesson: Sex does not always need to translate as commitment! Sex could just simply be a good and positive sexperience and that is all!

Featured Image Source: Painting by Gustav Klimt and Egon Schiele