Being Asexual is hard. We have a lack of proper representation from almost all walks of life. We are stereotyped as maniacs, cold villains who do not feel any emotion and whatnot. Finding a partner is also a mess, especially if you are sex-repulsed. People often misunderstand asexuality as celibacy, hatred of sex, hatred of opposite sex, etc. There is still a lot left to make people aware of the asexual community. Often people do not respect our boundaries and say things that are offensive or could make anyone uncomfortable. Here are ten things that asexual people are tired of hearing,
1. You haven’t found the right person yet
It is often told to people when they just come out of the closet. This is downright denial of a person’s feelings and orientation. Finding or not finding the right person has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation. If it is told to them frequently, they may start questioning how they feel and why they feel that way.
2. There is no such thing called asexuality
This often comes from a place of ignorance. Asexuality is a sexual orientation. According to AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network), an Asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction. There are plenty of people in the world who are live evidence and plenty of studies to read and understand asexuality.
3. So you will never get married?
Asexual people are often told that they will never be able to get married or will stay single for the rest of their lives. Sex is not a foundation of every marriage. Some Asexual people have sex while others don’t, it has nothing to do with their desire to get married.
Being Asexual is hard. We have a lack of proper representation from almost all walks of life. We are stereotyped as maniacs, cold villains who do not feel any emotion and whatnot. Finding a partner is also a mess, especially if you are sex-repulsed.
4. You can’t be asexual if you wear such clothes
This statement often comes from stereotypes about asexuals like they must be “prudish”, “ugly according to beauty standards” or “shy nerds”, being asexual has nothing to do with your attire, the jokes you crack or how you behave.
5. So you hate sex?
Not having sexual attraction and hating sex are different concepts. The asexual community isn’t anti-sex. They just do not feel sexually attracted to anyone. Some of them have sex, some masturbate while some are totally sex-repulsed who choose to not have sex as they are repulsed by it. It is also said that asexual people hate the opposite sex which is a misconception.
6. Are you trying to hide that you are impotent/ having erectile dysfunction?
This has been told a lot to asexual men, they are often mocked, bullied and told that they probably have erectile dysfunction when they call themselves asexual. This comment has its roots in the patriarchal view of men, where they are hypersexual beings, not capable of controlling their sexual urges which is also often used as an excuse to harass or victim-blame women. However, asexual men do not have a sexualized gaze towards anyone and they are told that they are not male enough.
Also read: Why Is There A Lack of Asexual Representation In Indian Media?
7. You are just celibate
This is one of the most common ways of denying asexual people’s feelings. Celibacy and asexuality are not inter-related. Celibacy is voluntarily not engaging in sex while asexuality is a sexual orientation. Equating the two is disrespectful towards both celibates and asexuals.
One can educate themselves about asexuality through sites like AVEN, books available on asexuality and can be sensitive to other people’s orientation and emotions. Asexuality is a vast spectrum that needs to be understood.
8. How do you know if you haven’t tried it?
It is often told to asexual people and they are asked to have sex at least once or twice. If any asexual individual has had sex before, they are further gaslighted by being told that maybe they had bad sex and they should try to have sex with someone else/more often. One doesn’t need to have sex to know whether they are asexual or not.
9. So you don’t get periods/don’t have a uterus?
Often asexual women are told that they are being “dramatic”, “lying” about being asexual. They are asked uncomfortable and very personal questions like “ Do you have a vagina?”, “Do you have a uterus? Is It functional?”, etc which are downright dehumanizing. Asexual people are also humans having organs like other humans. It comes under basic courtesy to not ask such questions to anyone.
10. How can you still feel attracted to others?
The sexual attraction is not equal to the romantic or aesthetic attraction. Asexuals feel romantic and aesthetic attraction (unless they are aromantic-asexuals). Asexual people feel attracted to others and can have relationships. Many asexual people are happily married or dating someone they love.
Also read: In Conversation With Poornima, Co-Founder Of Asexuality India
One can educate themselves about asexuality through sites like AVEN, books available on asexuality and can be sensitive to other people’s orientation and emotions. Asexuality is a vast spectrum that needs to be understood.
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