Have you ever faced pressure as a woman and a feminist to get married after turning 28 because it is believed that after 30, it will be harder to find a suitable partner and you will “expire”?
I felt immense pressure last year when my parents asked our relatives to look for a suitable match for me, and most of the discussions at the dinner table were about my marriage. My father emphasised the stereotypical notion that ‘nobody will marry you after 30,’ while my mother said, ‘Once you turn 30, your appearance may no longer be as youthful‘, or ‘Look, your friends are getting married‘. Such conversations created a sense of anxiety and internalised pressure. I was not mentally prepared to “settle down” at 28 because I was in the phase of exploring my passion and growth. I wanted to discover myself as an individual, not as a “wife”.
I was not mentally prepared to “settle down” at 28 because I was in the phase of exploring my passion and growth. I wanted to discover myself as an individual, not as a “wife”.
Undoubtedly, there were moments when my self-esteem was affected and the pressure to get married took a toll on my mental health. I became desperate to marry anyone without knowing the person because of constant taunts. After all, my timeline and choices were different from others.
My name is Taqdees F. Gautam, and this is my Feminist Joy story.
I am a 30-year-old woman now and still “unmarried”. My parents were pretty anxious about why I am rejecting the marriage proposals and why I cannot find the one for myself who can align with my values and choices. However, I decided that I was not going to “settle for less” and communicated my perspective to my parents on why I was not rushing into marriage.
I felt a strong sense of agency and control over my narrative when I openly discussed my priorities in life and why marriage is not the sole purpose of my life.
I felt a strong sense of agency and control over my narrative when I openly discussed my priorities in life and why marriage is not the sole purpose of my life. I believe that I was capable of changing the narrative around marriage. My parents showed unwavering support when they realised that I have different purposes to live a fulfilling life and want to carve a non-traditional path.
My parents encouraged me to focus on my career, self-growth, and passion and motivated me to accomplish my goals or targets before considering marriage.
Women who are in their early twenties are accustomed to hearing phrases like ‘your biological clock is ticking,’ ‘all good men will be taken,‘ or ‘you should get married before you look unattractive‘ and that’s why women who are achieving great things in their career have a sense of unfulfillment in their lives because they are unmarried and believe that marriage is the critical part of their identity and success.
Rather, they should break the glass ceilings and embrace their journey. My feminist joy comes from acknowledging that my mother is a feminist as well and encouraging me to value myself independently without seeking external validation.
I share my feminist joy with my students particularly girls to empower them and to inspire them to become the confident version of themselves. I have discovered that we are living in a pandemic of low self-confidence where it is challenging for students to recognise their self-worth and self-esteem. As an educator, I aspire to encourage my students by demonstrating my stories of negative self-image and low self-confidence and how I overcame those negative self-images. I am willing to use my platform to encourage my students to embrace authenticity and autonomy.
Moreover, my Feminist Joy comes from the freedom to live life on my terms and rejecting the conventional path or the notion that my worth or success as a woman is tied to marriage or a man. I find feminist joy in the autonomy to make my own decisions and explore various aspects of my identity to become more confident, strong and self-fulfilled as an individual so that I can create a meaningful impact on other women through my ability to challenge the conventional norms and embrace my journey by standing firm in my choices
Furthermore, I feel accomplished and empowered as I am going to earn a doctorate in November 2024.
Furthermore, I feel accomplished and empowered as I am going to earn a doctorate in November 2024. I feel immense feminist joy and pride in envisioning myself being called as Dr Taqdees and will carry this title with honour as the first woman in my entire lineage to pursue the highest degree.
In my family tree where no one else has a PhD, I am proud to claim that title not for just myself but for every woman who felt pressured to conform to conventional norms and was expected to perform traditional roles. Being a feminist and educator, I have realised that education is a tool of empowerment and a radical act of self-assertion and self-reliance.
My feminist joy is not solely defined by degrees titles or academic achievements but the way I boldly decided to carve my path as a woman. Although it was difficult to break the conventional boundaries as a rebellion when people around me emphasised traditional norms I never wanted to live the life of a conventional woman whose roles were confined to a caretaker or homemaker or a supportive partner.
I want be a leader, an influencer, an inspiration to other women who can break stereotypical notions and that’s why I decided to muster the strength and courage to defy social expectations and advocated for my dreams, passions and desires. I have navigated the path of self-reliance and self-discovery. I feel proud and confident to identify myself as a feminist because I have learnt to stand up for myself in every situation without the fear of judgment.
