CultureArt & Poetry How To Be A Perfect Girlfriend [Poem]

How To Be A Perfect Girlfriend [Poem]

Perfect girlfriend 101: First of all, stop being such a feminist.

First of all, stop being such a feminist.
Feminism does not advocate equality of the sexes.
It advocates that you are a bitch.
Stop saying how you feel.
Stop screaming that it hurts. Just take it, bitch.
Stop being such a girl all the time.
Yes, I used the G word. The highest insult there is.
Are you going to cry about this
or man up and deal with it?
Listen, he does not like you hairy down there.
So shave up real good. But dammit,
you are taking too long! You don’t want to be late.
Hurry up, do it quickly!
Don’t worry about the razor cuts, you have a date!
Oh no, he is here already. Apologize.
Laugh, when his friend smirks at him-
“Women, huh?”
Be yourself but don’t be too you.
Don’t be offended. Laugh.
Be the girl he is proud to have.
The most important of all –
Stop complaining.
There are certain things that he likes; accept it.
He likes to watch the game,
hang out with his homies once in a while.
Also, the occasional  appreciation
for the hottie at the bar.
Remember, it is okay.
But make sure you don’t like to shop a lot.
You don’t want to fit the stereotype, girl!
Make sure you- like- don’t-like-talk, I mean, like this.
Ditch the red lipstick. Don’t try to look too pretty.
Pretty means dumb.
So what if he does not remember your anniversary?
Don’t nag him about it.
Look down and smile when he says to you, before leaving-
“Bros before hos.”
Don’t start crying like a girl, ho.

Disclaimer: This post was originally published on the author’s blog here.

Note: This poem is meant to be sarcastic.

Featured Image Credit: Zahra Choudhary | Pinterest


  1. Super post! You nailed it. Literally, and figuratively, both!

  2. Sucheta says:

    Confused. I am a feminist ‘bitch’ who follows sports. I’m also all for ‘manning up’ and taking or facing it. I even believe in that Dylanwala gaana, It ain’t me baby. Where does that leave me? Personally, I think all of the above strengthen my feminism. But the poet doesn’t think that. Also, on a different level, more women than men believe that being a feminist is being a bitch. That’s the sad reality. What is the poet’s opinion regarding that? I initially thought this poem is about how a girl has to abandon her feminism in order to be accepted as a girl’s girl and be part of women’s society.

    • Japleen Pasricha says:

      Erm, the poem is sarcastic. I hope you noticed that.

    • Sargam says:

      I know where you’re coming from. I am also all for manning up. I like being physically strong, and am always urge more girls to lift and learn to throw a punch. The problem is not “manning up” per se, but perhaps the nomenclature itself.
      Why is a strong woman called ‘mardani’? If you play sports well, people often compliment you saying you can play like a man.
      The problem is in always associating strength with ‘man’ – think courage, heroism, etc. and negative traits like weakness with women.

  3. Swetha S. says:

    Wow, you said it just like it is. I wish I could frame this and put it up on my wall!

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