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I was on Facebook a few months back and I posted something about using a menstrual cup. I was super excited that it actually worked (because I honestly believed it will leak everywhere and I could be cast for Walking Dead in a heart beat).

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I got it after months of struggling with the idea of inserting something into my vagina for hours, watching videos on how to use it, educating myself on keeping it clean, and spending hours researching which cup to buy, thus, this was a big win for me. On that post a male friend commented “Cups means you’ll have to be very meticulous with cleanliness because there are high chances of infections. Same with tampons. They’re known to cause toxic shock syndrome (especially, tampons), unlikely with cups though.” After eight months of research on what to insert into my vagina, ten years of actually having periods, and twenty one years of having a uterus it was stupid of me to actually believe I would know as much as men.

Suddenly, I was better educated and more aware. I had wasted years, experience and research; don’t hold a candle in front of a man. This isn’t the first time that a stranger/friend/male partner/ex-male partner/father or whatever else there is has mansplained something I have knowledge in. Sometimes it gets bitter, I am abused, trolled, threatened, bullied by men on the internet. Over the course of this period (pun intended!) I realised women don’t need safe spaces, opinions, or Google. We only need men who can educate us. So for all you men out there who have tried to listen, understand the meaning of ‘no’, don’t think feminazis exist, and in general assume women to be human here is your 101 on “How to be a misogynistic, entitled, sexist man (MES) on the internet”

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  1. Man knows best

This is an important first step. We can’t go on assuming women have anything valuable to contribute or know more than men. For example, take a leaf out of this guy’s handbook.

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It matters not that Kathrine Mack is a highly accomplished astrophysicist, if she got a uterus, her argument is invalid. Gary, is not an astrophysicist or an environmentalist or does anything that remotely even relates with working in understanding global warming. Remember if you are a man, you are already an expert (when you are up against women of course, up against men, expertise might matter a bit if you aren’t white and rich).

If a woman tries to prove you wrong, just bring in other men, get mad and personal, and ensure that if she also starts getting mad – you call her out on it. Immediately. It is your sole right as a man to use logic/emotion as and when you please, not hers. Thus any argument, however well researched, by a woman can never match up to yours (and Gary caught on to this quick, good for you Gary!)

2.  Give your opinion everywhere AKA Mansplain. 

Online harassment is usually targeted towards women. Woman have for years not had a safe space where they can speak about their problems without being picked on or trolled or threatened. The internet is a large part of this culture. ADD TO IT! It is important to have various voices on an issue and no issue is complete without a man giving their words of wisdom.

When women talk about personal experiences, or how things affect other women, or when they ask other women for advice (like “Underwire, Padded, or both?”/”I am afraid of people stalking me, what about you?”), or speak out against sexual violence and sexual freedom, YOU MUST VOICE YOUR OPINION! How can any conversation be complete if you simply listen or are merely an accomplice? Your word must be heard. Regardless of the fact that your input wasn’t asked for because of your cisgender identity.

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Ensure that women take you seriously, okay? If they don’t get it, throw random statistics at them, if they throw statistics back, just dismiss it as them getting too emotional or personal (women, right?). If they say “Bhai, you don’t get it because you haven’t been there” just bring out the BIG GUNS and say “I have a mother/sister/girlfriend/ female friend and she never experienced it!” (Boom!)

If, by an off chance, a woman tries to butt in when you talk about your personal experience, (though you don’t listen), ignore her, throw facts at her, basically get downright personal and argue using emotions. 

Now, you must be wondering that it might be a little hypocritical, and absolutely incorrect but being a Mard, it is allowed. Women are too stupid to notice, right?

3. #NotAllMen

You can continue to act like the saviour by speaking out and shutting any conversation that women actually want to have using this simple little hashtag trick, #NotAllMen

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If you on the off hand, agree with what a woman says about society or men, you can’t just like the post or retweet the tweet. You have to make it clear that you aren’t like these men. in fact, #NotAllMen are like these men. Jao, hashtag it. Regardless of the fact that women have faced centuries of systemic violence in the patriarchal structure which prioritises men, enough men constitute their idea of violence in various ways. Regardless of the fact that there are few men who treat women as equals and the visibility of these men is as high as seeing the Rashtrapati Bhavan during Delhi’s smog or Modi talking about caste atrocities in handy during his time as a Prime Minister.

The #NotAllMen will fool women to believe you are on their side, but you can continue systematically ignoring the issues they raise, not shut up because you are only being ‘logical’, and continue to take centre stage in a movement that has nothing to do with you!

4. Play the Devil’s Advocate

Ah! The devil’s advocate is the true mark of a MES. By doing this what you portray is that you are offering a different view-point to the debate that women have been fighting their whole lives. You are bringing a different flavour and voice to the debate, not of someone who is affected by systemic violence but just because from your ‘separated’ position you can. In reality, you continue to ensure that this position of privilege is yours and the systemic operation continues. This way you can be a MES for life!

5. Sexist and rape jokes on point, regularly

If you hate being vocal about things in life, just keep MRA memes and rape jokes handy. These are the fastest ways to be a real MES. The great part about this is that you really need only two arguments. If any one has a problem with it, tell them that “It is just a joke.” I mean, there isn’t any proof that such jokes contribute to the ‘rape culture’ (which basically means that we normalize rape by treating it as a naturally occurring phenomenon or even making jokes about rape… oh wait.) If they further retaliate, it is really unfair and you must tell them that they are “taking away your freedom of speech!” Of course, the ‘right to freedom of speech‘ is a right only guaranteed by the government and other people can actually tell you to shut up when you are being an ass. That matters not to a MES though, you just tell them! YOU TELL THEM!

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Overexaggeration I am sure. I think.

Remember, confidence is key to being a MES and of course thinking women and other genders are inferior.

You can print this sheet out and stick it in your homes for easier access or burn it, because either way, we will bring down the system. Women, we revolt at dawn.

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