I’m 35 and single.
The sum total of my dating history can be summarized in one phrase – Dead on arrival.
Unlike most seventeen year olds, I did not have a boyfriend back in 1999. My reasons for avoiding one were the following:
- I lived in a small town and feared my mother getting to know I had one.
- I was molested at 16 and went through a long phase of “I hate men.”
- My parents had a terrible marriage.
- All that gyaan about morals was drilled into my head by my Catholic convent all girls school.
- I had no idea how to communicate with boys.
So I remained a ‘boring’ single teen and equally boring 20 something as well. It was by sheer chance that I managed to eventually date by the time I was 23. But even then, my relationships did not fare well. Due to my many insecurities and trauma, the people I chose were not always the best ones for me. Subconsciously, I chose those who probably had issues too & treated me badly.
Some horrifying break-ups later, I decided to take a sabbatical from all relationships to reevaluate my life. I thought that I could always jump right back and find a great boyfriend after this soul-searching trip. I was so wrong.
Turning 35 made me realize just how disconnected I was with dating and how poor my skills remain when it comes to conversing with men. I was woefully un-traditional & awkward.
As a result, I started talking to my successfully married/in-a-committed relationship girlfriends for dating advice on ‘how to get your man and keep him’.
It was a revelation for me that the communication between men and women is based on a lot of subterfuge and a hell lot of lies. I have listed down the advices I received over the past few months for some of you to use them, maybe!
1) “Never come out as a strong woman” – The reason I am told is that Indian men love gentle, homely and submissive women. If a woman comes across as strong and confident about her sexuality, it will never lead to a proposal.
2) “Keep your feminism at bay”– Men don’t like women who identify as feminists, men don’t like women who talk about women’s issues and their rights and problems. No man will propose an outspoken feminist, so better keep your feminism with you!
3) “Pamper” – Talk to the man as if he is the most important person and come out as a caring person. Try to keep checking in with him about his health and food etc. Basically, be prepared for a manchild.
4) “Don’t show that you are opinionated” – “Dumb down!” is the most common advice given to a lot of girls and women alike. For example – I can assemble my own desktop from scratch. However, I have to pretend to not know shit about technology to soothe his ego.
5) “Dress like a woman” – I can look and dress however I want on other days. But, when I go out to meet a man for a date, I always have to ‘doll-up’ and be perfectly groomed.
6 ) “Talk about him- don’t talk about yourself too much” – Make all conversations about him and make him feel important.
7) “Cutie wootie talk”– You have to learn to talk like “Baby-talk Becky” from HIMYM to make him feel needed and that he has to protect you. But, don’t go overboard with this. Because of course, you don’t have to be like “those girls.”
8) “Don’t end a date without fixing another one”- You HAVE to tell him that you had a good time and would definitely like to see him again. You can’t miss this one. Not at all.
9) “Be Coy” – No sex unless he makes it official. (Damn!)
10) “Don’t be blunt/honest” – Don’t even try to be blunt when/if he asks you things like “Will you miss me?” Your reply HAS to be “Of course! I will, sweetheart.”
I could enlist only a few out of the pool of advices I get. But the border line is, you have to be homely, nurturing, and submissive if you want to go out with a man! “Feminazi-type” women scare men away. Okay?
Disclaimer: This piece is satire.
Loved your piece Vidhi. The best satire comes from the truth. I just recently had a guy “man-splain” feminism to me. How, apparently, in his all-pervasive wisdom, it is a way for women to demand more pay or more things that they don’t necessarily deserve. Poor fellow had no clue that he would be bombarded with facts and statistics he would have no comebacks for. But hey…the idiot might thank me some day for a free lesson 😛
Thank you Amreen, Yes the true satire is the reality we live daily. Oh dear, Ive heard so many arguments for feminism and that feminists die alone its beyond comprehension now.
We would have to give many many free lessons.
Now my advice to the people who gave you all these. Here’s my list of suggestions to these dating experts:
1. Never come out as a strong woman:I’m a strong person and I always appear to be one. Helps me to avoid men who are too immature to deal with a strong individual. This way I get to meet evolved human brains.
2. Keep your feminism at bay: Being vocal about feminism is surprisingly attractive. You get to attract other feminist men and bingo! First date. Being Feminist is the new hot.
3. Pamper: I never pampered any man. My sister, yes. But man? No. My life turned out to be pretty fine. You should try this. No point in pampering an equal individual. Let him mature if his parents didn’t do that for him.
4. Don’t show that you are opinionated: Opinions matter. Your voice matter. Nothing is more attractive than Margaret Thatcher or Hillary Clinton holding the podium. So start talking and stop shooing people.
5. Dress like a woman: Cross dressing is the new trend. Believe me, I am a fashion writer. But hell with all these things. You need to dress whatever you feel comfortable in.
6. Talk about him- don’t talk about yourself too much: Are you volunteering to be the stupidest person on this planet? Please. Elaborate on how happy are you in your relationship?
7. Cutie wootie talk: I don’t even want to know what is this.
8. Don’t end a date without fixing another one: Really! Stop! Giving dating advice.
9. Be Coy: Man! You should see the face when you initiate a kiss. You’re missing out on life, dear! Be wild and you’ll know.
10. Don’t be blunt/ honest: Please. Start going to Gender Sensitization programmes. You need it.
Hey Kaustubha, agree with everything you said, but that piece was also satire. 🙂
Everyone wants to fall in love and have their fairy tale come true and there is nothing wrong with that and with dating sites that is possible, but as a newcomer you need to make sure to manage your expectations – meaning that you state what you want and know what the other wants as well, leaving very little room for disappointment.
For me, feminazi women are not those who are feminists and legitimately fight for their rights. No. Feminazi, to me, is not the same as the garden variety feminist. A feminazi is a penephobic radicalized woman who doesn’t give a shit that queer men are ravaged, violated, infringed, and abused everyday by patriarchy. Feminazis are all about women and don’t give a shit about other victims of patriarchy. I know this is not the definition of feminazi given by Rush Limbaugh, the term’s original creator. But that’s my definition, and under my definition, I honestly don’t understand how queer men cannot spot these women who are feminazi and why they haven’t spoken out against them. After all, all movements have radicalized members in their ranks, as well as saboteurs. I honestly think that denying the existence of feminazis within their own ranks will end up disarticulating the movement from within, something that usually happens to social justice and populist movements, just because they’re populist.Finally, the truth is that feminism, as a movement, has been enshrined and deified, and now, it stands as something pure and godly that cannot be questioned under penalty of cyberbullying and cybershaming, even if you critique it from the point of view of a queer man who’s affected by feminazi’s penephobic policies. Sorry, but not sorry. It’s about time somebody told things the way he sees them.
Over this link you will get to know about dating tips.They are must read for many. This article is a good one to look at. I like how you have researched and presented these exact points so clearly. You indeed have written it in a layman way so that anyone can understand.
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