No Sex Until Marriage! The Hypocrisy Around Premarital Sex

Remember the awkward silence, switching of channels, family members scattering, etc. when a scene of people kissing or even getting close came unannounced in a movie or on television? Or for that matter when a sanitary pad or condom advertisement caused the same effect! The conversations around sex and reproduction are avoided as though they are things of no consequence.

Conversations on Comprehensive Sexuality Education

When children reach a certain age they start to explore their body and become conscious of their sexuality. When one has questions about the difference between a boy and a girl or where do babies come from or why is there a difference in the anatomy, etc. we are shushed. Children have so many questions which aren’t answered, but they are curious. Ignoring or avoiding addressing these questions pushes children to find other unreliable sources to tend to their curiosity. If scolded for asking these questions, the impact usually makes children believe that this is a wrong or a bad thing that shouldn’t be spoken about. But it is important to address these questions and hence the need for a strong Comprehensive Sexuality Education curriculum.

Also Read: Web Series Review: ‘Sex Chat With Pappu and Papa’ by Y Films

Once we start to grow and hit puberty, the control over women’s sexuality begins. We have all been told ‘sit like this’, ‘walk like this’, ‘girls speak softly’, ‘ why are you trying to attract attention’, ‘behave like a lady’, and the list will go on. If society makes the very idea of sexuality wrong, then how will sex even come into conversation?

The conversations around sex and reproduction are avoided as though they are things of no consequence.

Women’s sexuality is controlled in various ways, apart from being told to behave like a girl, there is also moral policing. “Jawaan ladki zyada enjoy karti hai toh pregnant ho jaati hai” (Young girls who enjoy too much, get pregnant), a line from Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani (2013) . We know how premarital sex is looked down upon, especially for women. If a girl has a lot of friends who are boys at some point she will be slut shamed. Men, however, are applauded for their ‘manhood’ for being able to ‘score’ so many women.

Premarital Sex and Relationships

Premarital sex will obviously not be acceptable in a society where no one converses about sex and control women’s sexuality. Girls are told to stay away from boys, no talking to them, no meeting, etc. even looking for girls-only schools or colleges for their daughter. The interaction with the ‘opposite sex’, being male here, is completely restricted.  The concept of virginity is made extremely important, as a good or ideal wife should be so. No matter how many women the boy has slept with, he wants a virgin wife, like somehow sexual activity is the test for ‘purity’ and the owner should have a purity check.

Women’s mobility and sexuality are always so controlled that they do not choose a sexual partner of their own choice. Their prospective significant other of their own choosing could be from a different caste or religion, and can damage the notion of ‘purity in lineage’.

If one manages to waver from this situation, they run the risk of being subject to honour killing, house arrest, etc. with different degrees of punishment for the different types of rebellion. The moral policing met out by Khap Panchayats and the likes, puts the onus of ‘honour’ of the family on women and creates caste-based divides. An example of which is clearly seen in the movie NH10, where the brother and uncle not only kill the girl and boy but also get violent with people who come in the way. Sending a message, that if you step out of line you shall see a similar fate.

Even when sexually assaulted, a woman is blamed by her choice of clothes, the time at which she was out of the house, emphasising the fact that a woman cannot have autonomy over what she wears or when she goes out. As ‘preventive measure’s, women are told to dress appropriately (who decides what appropriate is?) and be back home at a ‘decent time’ (another senseless concept). If the onus of the blame is put on women of ‘loose character’, then how does one explain the assault or sexual harassment of women who follow the society’s book of rules for being decent women?

Women’s mobility is further restricted by giving then a curfew before which they need to get back home, to keep her ‘safe’. Then isn’t it important to keep the men inside? The not so great phrase used, ‘boys will be boys’, is no justification for putting someone in harm’s way. It is the constant reinforcement of the patriarchal system that leads one to believe that they are in fact entitled.  When this imaginary entitlement isn’t provided, they assert their sense of power.

Marriage, Marital Sex and Reproduction

Marriage is considered to be an essential milestone for all and it is socially acceptable if you fulfil certain criteria, of caste, religion and heterosexuality. In a typical arranged marriage one barely gets the time to know the other person, as there is so much pressure about the possibility of the marriage being broken on the basis of any trivial thing, which could lead to tarnishing the reputation of the girl and her family. Since the two people do not get to understand each other in an organic way, one doesn’t really know what they are walking into.

A person who has internalised the idea of sex as sinful, finds it difficult to shed their understanding of the subject.

Overall Impact

Also Read: SC Says Protecting ‘Institution Of Marriage’ Is Above Marital Rape

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