Posted by Anonymous
Being an asexual person, it was very difficult to believe that sex exists so prominently in society. I believe relationships comprise pure love, and for love, you can sacrifice anything. Nearly 25 years ago, when I was in my 20s, I knew nothing about terms like ‘LGBT’ or even ‘asexual’.
Coming from an orthodox, Brahmin family, one only sees the occurrence of religious rituals for every event, everything is given a divine value, and the idea of control over one’s senses and desires are given prominence. Living in this atmosphere developed my thought pattern and lifestyle in this way and I believed things to be this way.
I thought sex was only needed when there is the need for progeny.
But I slowly figured out that my peers do things differently, talk differently and promote some things which I used to think of as sin.
I began to distance myself from them, thinking that they were bad people, and searched for people I thought were ‘good’. People who talked about god and did not talk about sex or romance.
The very mention of romance or sex used to bring up a feeling of discomfort in me, and I felt I just cannot endure listening to what I considered to be stupid things.
I thought sex was only needed when there is the need for progeny.
When I see my peers crying about a boy or a girl, I used to laugh and felt as though I’m part of a comedy movie. Many people confronted me for this, as I could not understand their pain. For me, it only looked seemed amusing as I thought why do they need to even get involved so much, what’s the need as there is so much to study and they had better think of getting a job.
Soon the pressure to get married on me was building up , and many people started indicating that if one does not get married, then their life is over. I did not know why they say that way, and why so much status is attached to it, slowly it started affecting my status too. As I am still unmarried.
Status was the only thing I was attached to, in this society. I had a good job and a good education which others did not have. Few people even told me that even if you have so much around you, if you cannot get married, then you are useless and you have not lived your life.
Also Read: It’s Okay To be In-Between: Being Homoromantic Asexual
Such conversations really scared me. I crossed 26, and the pressure and fear kept building. Whichever person I met I just did not feeling right. The way they looked at me and behaved with me used to make me feel very ugly and dirty, and it repelled me. I believed the words of the people who said my life could become useless as I cannot get married.
This phase was the most confusing, worst and depressing time in my life. Everyone was against me. Wherever I went, the only question I was subject to was ‘when is your marriage’? I stopped mixing with people. I spent my time praying to god and meditating. This time I became more and more spiritual, to keep my mind calm and look for a higher perspective in life.
Because I certainly believed, god did not make us only to get married and produce children, I must find a higher purpose in life.
Luckily, I did not get married, as my perspective became opposed to the delusions of society. I broke free from the delusion of marriage. I had turned 30 and became even more confident that without marriage, we can live with the same happiness as before and with the same amount of dignity. I started mixing with people who could accept me the way I am.
Wherever I went, the only question I was subject to was ‘when is your marriage’?
One day, my friend told me that I am not like others, and she has seen people like me who do not need any physical relationships. They want only pure love and that’s the reason I was not getting married. This kind of opened me to think I do not belong to this society and I have to build my life according to the way I am made.
Now that the internet and Facebook has evolved so much, could find groups that suit my way of thinking and finally figured out that I was asexual and aromantic.
It’s tough to live in a world where you cannot connect, understand why we are the way we are, because some aspects do not exist for us and it does not matter to us. But the mundane society is build on sex and everything revolves around it, which makes us feel so out-of-place and we do not get friends. I need to learn to live alone, tolerating mundane advice, mundane delusions and isolation. But all this did lead me to a different world, where peace and serenity matters.
Also Read: Ace In A Wild Space: Being Heteroromantic Asexual
Featured Image Credit: HD Footage Stock
