Being a trans man and sexually active is very confusing for many people. Trans men are often confused due to dysphoria and get caught up in the cis-hetero patriarchy. The idea of sex is often concentrated on penetrative sex with a partner which is utopia. From porn videos to common conversations about sex, the focus is mostly on penetrative sex or the size. There is so much focus on these things that it makes sexual intimacy for trans men performative rather than erotic or an experience of pleasure. I have often seen online communities of trans men flooded with messages and questions on how to satisfy the partner wherein I observe that the essential understanding of how sex is a two-way street is missing.
Also read: Coming Out As A Trans Man: Sometimes A Lifelong Process
From my personal experience, here are a few sexual practices for trans men that might be helpful:
- Communication is Key: Never assume that your partner will be up for penetrative sex. Always ask, listen, share, talk, discuss and act accordingly. Sometimes, the communication can be verbal and sometimes non verbal, so it is important to ensure that we clearly pick on these signs to ensure that we have a consensual, safe and a joyful experience.
- Your Body Is A Wonderland: There are many erogenous zones in your body and your partners which are sexually very pleasing like the ears, neck, and many more. In fact, every person has different erogenous zones. It is a beautiful journey to discover and enjoy the same.
- Fingering: Many trans men love fingering their respective partners and also getting fingered, if they do not feel dysphoric. This assumption that the trans men is always on the top is sometimes very narrow; it also makes the experience very limited. It is, therefore, important to guide yourself and your partner(s) through the experience and understand each others’ limitations and expectations.
- Oral Sex: Giving or receiving, either way it can be pleasurable for the partners involved. Let your tongue explore and let someone else’s tongue explore you.
- Masturbate and learn: Exploring one’s own body through one’s own hand can makes things pleasurable and easy during sex. Masturbation is also very helpful to understand each others’ bodies especially if other sexual acts make you feel dysphoric.
- Strap that thing on: If you are keen on exploring penetrative sex, you can use strap-ons. Depending upon your dysphoria, you can mutually arrive at deciding which partner would be at the receiving end.
- Try That Taboo: In Indian trans men’s community, we rarely hear about BDSM, but if you are up for it, you could go ahead and try things your own comfort. Adding some handcuffs (restrain), blindfold, spanking or getting spanked, gag or many more things to spice it up in bed, you can do or try easy, moderate or hard as per your and your partner’s comfort and get more adventurous.
- Position Game: There are a lot of different positions you can try from simple doggy style to 69. There are as many positions which come with different pleasure experiences. Read about them and be creative in bed.
- Consent: One of the most important things before, during and after sex in consent whether it is yours or your partner’s. Every act during the sex is meant to be consensual, else it becomes assault. It is okay to say NO to any act in which you are uncomfortable or which makes you dysphoric.
- Asexuality is valid: This assumption that everybody likes sex is harmful. There are people who are simply not interested in it but at the same time, may or may not like emotional intimacy or the concept of being in love with their partner. It is important to understand this, respect their boundaries, navigate and reach a place where you both can be happy in a relationship.
Lastly, never be ashamed of what you like in sex. Sex is meant to be an act which gives you and your partner pleasure. It is not all about you or your partner’s masculinity. It is about desires and pleasures!
Featured image source: Alia Sinha