Since childhood, I have heard women around me told to be quieter: do not laugh too loud and do not smile too much. In essence, do not attract too much attention. Even if one is not the direct recipient of such remarks, observing is enough to learn and mimic what is supposedly expected of your gender. Our behaviour is subject to scrutiny and no longer remains a simple expression of joy.
As a result, women hide away parts of their personality and try to fit into the space left over after others have had their share. Naturally, this comes to dictate how many women behave. Finding a place in a community of women has been freeing in this regard for me. In such spaces, the need to constantly perform is no longer present – joy does not have to be expressed in ways that are palatable for men. Here, we are free to explore what joy truly means to us and how best to share it.
What we have found in each other is an expression of who we are. The more fragmented women feel and the more fragmented their relationships, the stronger the foundations of patriarchy become. I believe that, simply by choosing to have a life where I surround myself with those other than men, I have built a space where I can become the best version of myself. It is easier to find oneself and the things we value when one is not constantly trying to negate the expectations they are subject to in the company of men. As a result, the joy one finds oneself part of is exemplified manifold simply because those around us do not wish to dampen our energy at every turn.
The love and joy I share with my friends and the way I care for them is an expression of an alliance that patriarchy finds threatening. I do not pursue male companionship in the hope that it may be unaffected by patriarchal values; I have no need for it.
As any friendship goes, this community is not always a space free of conflict. Yet, the fact that it has been built out of care for one another remains unchanged. At all times, I am keenly aware of the reality that there are people who will accept who I am without attempting to reduce me to a caricature of what a woman should be. Surrounding oneself in such an environment helps one understand others better and learn from them.
At the end of the day, simply spending leisure time together is enough to feel loved and content. Perhaps because the silence that ensues at such times is not stifling and not motivated by a need to hide oneself away. What I find here is a wholeness that I have not found in many other relationships. Every moment, frivolous or not, is important; just being present around each other is enough. Now I know my worth, now I know yours. The love and joy I share with my friends and the way I care for them is an expression of an alliance that patriarchy finds threatening. I do not pursue male companionship in the hope that it may be unaffected by patriarchal values; I have no need for it.
