I am a 35+ single woman and I identify as a heteroromantic asexual.
My foremost memory around relationships was as a child when I decided I must not get married. I saw no reason or need for this. This went on into the formative growing years and into college. Relationships? Yes! These were romantic in nature which grew intense as I got to know my partner intellectually as well as emotionally. Now, when it came to sex, I realized this was not something I wanted, desired or needed. I have nothing against allosexuals (opposite of asexual) and even find the whole union beautiful, but this is not something that ever remotely comes to my mind when I see or interact with the opposite sex.
Marriage? Yes! It did happen; the arranged way. The marriage died a slow death as the years passed. He was an allo and I didn’t desire any of it. There was no desire for procreation or children. Mind you, I had no clue about asexuality or that there were other people who thought like me. I just attributed it to the fact that I was not attracted to my spouse that way even though I had no other real issues with him. Or there was something wrong with me. Even after we broke up and I put myself out there, I realized I didn’t want sex. Why?
Early this year, during one of the many bouts of introspection, Google told me about asexuality. I immediately realized – This is me. These are my people.
Communities, local groups and people, their questions, stories and realizations echoed with mine. Through all the research it dawned on me that there were so many who were able to separate life, love, romance and sex. This was how my mind also worked. I did not see all of this as one package deal and it dawned on me that non aces saw it that way and that was the norm. I could not fathom such a thorough process. Sex came nowhere in the picture.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for romance. Flirtatious, romantic and can get intensely intimate which satisfies me. But when it comes to requests for pleasuring someone or sex, it puts me off. I see them as separate – intimacy and sex. So while I can get too strong for asexuals, I guess I put of allosexuals. This is me. Grey? Demi? Sapio? – This is what I am still figuring out. It has hardly been six months since I came across the word ‘asexual’. In a romantic allo world, it isn’t nice knowing you can miss out because your normal is not really normal?
