Depression has been a natural state of being for me for quite some time now. If you haven’t experienced clinical depression, then you will not understand exactly what kind of excruciating helplessness I am talking about, but I’m happy about that. If you are okay, be happy that you are. It’s a privilege.
But I digress; I wanted to talk about something I realised today, or maybe it was yesterday and it just hit me today. Anyway, the thing is, depression makes you think you are a piece of shit and no matter how many people tell you that is not true, it won’t matter. It only matters what you think. If you think you deserve the kind of friendships you have, you accept it. If you believe you are too much to handle and that is why it is okay for that boy to not like you, you accept it. If you believe that you are not as intelligent as other people and hence what is even the point of you talking about something, you accept it. See the pattern here? We accept everything we think we deserve and never ask for more or fight for more.
Sometimes, we end up fighting for things we want because it feels like the most important thing in the world. A friend stopped talking to me all of a sudden and I just had to have her back. I had to have her love back, her support, the smiles, the laughter, the camaraderie. So, I messaged her, I called her, I messaged other friends to give her the message. I wondered why this was happening. I wondered what I had done. I cried, I dreamt of her, I felt sad every time I saw a picture of her (social media sucks sometimes). I never really gave it a thought that if my friend wanted me in her life, she would have. If she missed me the way I missed her, she would have found a way to connect. I did not give it a thought that I have not lost anything in my life because of her absence. I did lose a lot, but none of it because of her.
Today, when I have a clearer head than I have had in the last year and a half, I saw her on Facebook and I visited her profile. I realised I have no idea who or how she is right now, after four years of not talking. I realised I have friends I talk to everyday and friends who love me to hell and back. I have been questioning the wrong things. I have been holding on to something I should have let go long ago. Isn’t this the most cliched letting go story ever? Well, yes. All our lives are cliches.
We somehow found ways to repeat every mistake made in everyone’s lives. We give advice, we ask for advice, we rave, we rant and we self medicate. Yet, we pointlessly make the same mistakes our parents talked about, our friends cried about, that Buzzfeed article warned us about, that Medium post we shared but never really read through.
I know this applies to everyone, but those of us who go through depression and do not question the decisions we take then, feel especially stupid when our heads are a little clearer and our demons have taken a break. I realised I have been crying about the entirely wrong things. If someone tells you that you are great but too much to handle because of your mental health issues, don’t accept it. It’s not fair. Love comes easily to people if it is meant to be and at that time, they will not consider if it is easy to be with you when you are depressed and suicidal; or when you are manic and jumping about a lot while abusing the shit out of them.
we make the same mistakes our parents talked about, our friends cried about, that Medium post we shared but never really read through.
If someone gives you their life fundas and tells you yours are wrong, don’t accept it. You can respect their right to their own opinions, but do not question yours because you have been living your reality and most times that reality is fighting an idea of it. If someone shames you for always cancelling or never going out with them because you are always depressed, do not accept it. Friends understand and accommodate. Friends don’t shame you for something you can’t control.
My head is clear today. I do not know if it will be the same tomorrow or the day after. I am writing this down more to make sense of ideas myself, than to tell you how to live your life. Trust me, today I felt stupid for all the things I have been holding on to, like a niffler with shiny things. I don’t need those shiny things. I need to just be a little more me, fiercely and unapologetically me. We all need that.
Note: My head is clearer because I have been diligently taking my medication and talking to people who give me perspectives I need. I am also better because I have a support system. Also, as I keep saying, therapy helps.
Featured Image Credit: High Existence