There is something about mothers that brings one at peace. Even when a little girl dreams of becoming a mother, all she can think of is how she will give that child everything she has. That’s exactly what mothers are; they are kind, generous, loving, and always there for you. This all is a definition of a Perfect Mother.
As there are buts everywhere, we have a ‘but’ here as well. But what if the mother you imagine or see in movies, “The Perfect Mother” is a myth. This is entirely true, mothers are our birth-givers, and first teachers, but they have their own struggles too.
Now I see my mom as a human
Before writing this I had a conversation with my mother, who is a mother of three children. With each one of us, she has had a different pregnancy, but she loves all of us. And I promise as I share this anecdote, every word she said pierced my heart and I saw her more as a human and very less as a mother.
When she was pregnant with her first child (which is me), she was merely 23 years old. She was a carefree girl, who would climb the stairs in a hurry, get down with horse speed and always get scolded for doing so. There were times she had forgotten she was carrying a baby inside her, as this was all so new for her. Since it was their first child, both the parents were extremely excited, and thought of various names for the baby.
As the day came closer she realised the baby was extremely stubborn and wouldn’t get out of her. She carried me for ten months, a 3 kg baby in her tender female body, not ready to burst open and come out. It took the child 10 months and 3 days of labor pain to come out. What’s the most surprising thing here is that her baby came out without any noise.
The doctors said the baby might not survive; my mother was devastated and tired, and unconscious as well. Without her husband by her side (who was in Delhi for work), she only had her own parents in the hospital room. They asked the doctors to do his work, and then prayed. After 30 minutes of rubbing the body, patting the butt, and CPR, the baby made a noise ‘Uhhhhh‘. My mother says she will never forget that voice of mine and she will also never forget the pain I gave her that day.
My mother says she will never forget that voice of mine and she will also never forget the pain I gave her that day.
With her second pregnancy at the age of 26, everything went smoothly. The issues started after the child was born. She was not able to feed the baby for three days. Her guilt was killing her inside/out. She felt so bad for being a “bad mother”. She didn’t realise it was her body not producing milk, not the lack of love for the child. But after these three days, this baby became her everyday smile. But there were times, she was carefree with this child, she would not pay much attention to the child’s studies, or the ways of playing, as she thought that she would grow up in the shadow of the elder one. She feels guilty of not being there as much and blames herself.
While her third pregnancy (at the age of 32) was very comfortable, raising a boy was surely difficult for her. She had raised two girls and now this boy was a big question mark for her. She never wanted to be the mother, who would differentiate between her kids, but the young little boy tried to make things difficult for her each day. She calls him the sweetest toddler and the most quarrelsome adolescent.
She is still raising us three, and calls it the most difficult job of her life. She lost her long beautiful hair, gained weight, developed issues like hypertension, BP, Sugar and what not. There are times, she says, ‘If I wouldn’t have birthed any of you, I would be leading a peaceful life as a teacher, but I don’t regret this at all.‘
This statement brings up some questions in our minds. Is she selfish? Is she arrogant? Is she guilty? Does she regret being a mother?
Now, that I am 25 I realise, she is nothing of all above. She was a beautiful girl and now she is a beautiful woman. She had dreams, and her kids came in the way. She couldn’t help it. She gave all of her life to her children and has gained only trouble. From cleaning poop to vomits, to raging behavior during adolescence, to see them crying, she has seen all. Life hasn’t been easy for her, but she did that for her kids.
The myth of the perfect mother
After knowing all this, would one call her a Perfect Mother? Well, that is surely a myth. No mother is perfect. They have struggles; they endure pain and hate the fact that their vagina had to open 10 cm apart just to see a baby. Mothers doubt themselves all the time; they are overworked all the time, and definitely overlooked. They even think they don’t have any ‘Maternal Instinct‘.
Mothers doubt themselves all the time; they are overworked all the time, and definitely overlooked. They even think they don’t have any ‘Maternal Instinct‘.
With all these hormones, one thing that really pushes mothers to the ground is patriarchy. Patriarchy as a social institution refuses to see mothers as human. Mothers are not goddesses or superwomen – that can do anything, they can also have multifaceted personalities and have a life.
Simone De Beauvoir in 1949 wrote ‘Mothers who try to be good all the time, give up all pleasure, all personal life, enabling them to assume the role of victim.‘
So, this Mother’s Day, let’s go beyond wishing our mother’s a Happy Mother’s Day. Let’s celebrate motherhood and let mothers be human as well. Let’s talk about their mental and physical well-being.
