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If you have been coughing your way through these weeks after Diwali, struggling to breathe in Delhi’s toxic air, worry not. I have managed to gather some quick one-stop advice for you to save yourself from Delhi’s toxic air, courtesy none other than our beloved Indian ministers. No, it doesn’t involve wearing anti-pollution masks, or buying air-purifiers, or god forbid, holding the government accountable for letting this happen, at least not the Indian government. Surely a bit unconventional, but did your conventional ways manage to save you, eh?

1. Do A Yagya

Enough of you fools prattling on and on about curbing stubble burning and reducing emissions! Complaining about the smoggy sky again and again is doing no good either, okay? You need to look beyond the sky and to the gods. Sunil Bharala, Minister of State of Labor Welfare Council of Uttar Pradesh, is one step ahead of all of us and has already provided the perfect solution. “Governments should hold ‘Yagya’ to please Lord Indra, as done traditionally. He will set things right,” Bharala said.

Unfortunately, Minister Bharala has failed to provide further details and discuss the logistics of the yagya. I mean, do we do multiple yagyas all over Delhi-NCR? Or one mass-yagya where the concentration of particulate matter is the worst? What if Indra gets satisfied with 2 swahas and makes it rain prematurely? Then all our hard work goes to waste?

While Sunil Bharala might not have pondered over the technicalities of this, I have. I propose doing an Indian rendition of the Fyre Festival, with actual ancient fire rituals this time. So move aside, Billy McFarland, this is the only ‘fire’ festival I’m interested in attending. We may not have a Kendall Jenner to dupe people into giving us money, but we have an Akshay Kumar for probably making a movie about this at some point in time.

If you have been coughing your way through these weeks after Diwali, struggling to breathe in the Delhi’s toxic air, worry not.

2. Eat Carrots

Union Minister for Health & Family Welfare, Dr Harsh Vardhan wants you all to invest a bit in carrots to keep yourself safe from the harmful effects of air pollution. And people have already taken to the idea.

“I’ve hung these two carrots behind my car like nimboo-mirchi to reduce its emissions. Ever since I have done this, Delhi Police has even stopped giving me a challan,” said a West Delhi resident.

Sources report that the Finance Minister plans to release a statement about how millennials ordering food online has led to a reduction in the consumption of carrots. “They should at least order gajar ka achar with their burger-pizza,” a close source reportedly heard her say. I also found out that Ravi Shankar Prasad wanted to release a statement pointing out how people buying carrots shows that the Indian economy is doing well, but after having informed of the rising sales of air-purifiers in Delhi, he decided to talk about that instead.

3. Listen to Music

On a day when air pollution levels in Delhi were off the charts, Prakash Javadekar, Minister of Environment, Forest & Climate Change, wanted us to go look to the music charts for hope. “Start your day with music. Below is the link to a scintillating thematic composition “Swagatam” by Veena exponent Emani Sankara Sastry,” he tweeted. Moved by this contribution, a young graduate from University of Delhi told me, “A Spotify playlist that I totally did not make because I’m into erotic asphyxiation has gone viral because of Javadekar ji. I hope at least this would help me land a job.”

Also read: How Is Air Pollution Silently Killing Women In India?

Unlike this hopeful young person, a disillusioned engineer from Gurgaon said, “This is such crap, I listened to Air Supply all night long and still woke up with a cough.” So does he support policies Odd-Even since the music isn’t helping? “What do you mean odd-even? I have already followed in the footsteps of Vijay Goel and got myself a challan of Rs. 4,000.”

4. Blame Pakistan and China

Have you been blaming the Indian government for the state of Delhi-NCR right now? Because if you are, I see you, you, anti-national you! Put a stop to your seditious tendencies for a minute, and think who could benefit from the toxic air? Couldn’t find an answer? Go to Pakistan then, you anti-national! And also to China. And then also ask them why they are releasing poisonous gases our way. Don’t know what I’m talking about? BJP leader Vineet Sharda from Meerut has after much research found out the reason behind the high levels of pollution in the national capital.

I have managed to gather some quick one-stop advice for you to save yourself from Delhi’s toxic air, courtesy none other than our beloved Indian ministers. No, it doesn’t involve wearing anti-pollution masks, or buying air-purifiers, or god forbid, holding the government accountable for letting this happen, at least not the Indian government.

“..I don’t think the pollution this year is due to stubble burning. We should think about whether this is a conspiracy by Pakistan to release poisonous gases into India, because it knows it cannot win a war against India? Whenever Pakistan has fought a war against India, it has lost.” A BJP supporter who had already started vandalising classrooms in JNU came out in support of Sharda and said, “People who are protesting against air pollution are anti-national, don’t they know that the PM in PM 2.5 stands for Prime Minister Modi?”

Also read: Living In Denial: Why We Can’t Afford To Deny Climate Change

By the time I was finished writing this article a 24 member delegation had already left for Pakistan with havan samagri. My very resourceful close source also told me that the government plans to provide extra funding to startups who’ll sell anti-pollution masks made of khadi that have been dipped in cow urine, stating that Delhites need to stop showing off ‘all these Chinese masks’. Word is there’s already a WhatsApp forward going around calling for a mass mask burning in front of the Indian Parliament.


Featured Image Source: Quartz India

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece.

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